I Wish It Didn't Have To Be This Way
by the-secret-to-life
Summary: She knew that there was only one way to end the dread that had been growing ever since she had decided not to tell her friends the truth. Now, she had done the inevitable and it had never hurt so much to face her destiny and be the real Hermione Granger.


* * *

_The warm breeze of a quiet fall morning found Hermione Granger in the last place anyone who knew her would expect. Hermione's life was nothing like what everyone else imagined, it was nothing like all of the things that she told them. The truth was buried so deeply now that she wasn't even sure that she could every really share it with anyone. The truth was something she had promised herself she would never tell anyone, but consequently also something she had condemned herself to never forget. It hurt to live like she did, but that was the only way anymore._

_Hermione had changed physically in the months after the final battle, like everyone else. Her hair was no longer bushy but floated around her in the breeze like a silk curtain. Her figure had matured and shaped its self into near perfection. But the biggest change was only visible in one physical way, her amber eyes. The light that had once shown through had been dissipating for as long as she could remember, since she was about five years old every time she looked in the mirror her body was a little emptier. Each day that she continued like this her soul died just a little more._

_Hermione was standing with her eyes closed in the middle of a golden sea of rippling grass; the tears were sliding soundlessly down her cheeks. She let the wind swirl around her and just prayed that maybe soon it would be over. Ever since the last battle she had found herself alone again, like when she was young. She saw it all as if in a dream, Harry and Ron had grown up and worked for the ministry as Arours, Ginny was working at St.Mungo's along with Luna, Fred and George's joke shop was climbing in success, Bill and Fleur were still married and working for Gringotts, Charlie was happier than ever at the dragon reserve, Neville was working at Hogwarts as the new Herbology Professor and was married to Luna, but the thing that hurt her the most was harries engagement to Ginny. She felt her heart break every time she thought about it._

_When they were in school she knew that it would happen and just that had felt like someone was plunging a knife in her heart and every time she saw them together or even found some reason why Ginny was Harry's perfect match and she was not, the knife would give itself another sickening twist. By the time the war was over and they were engaged her heart was mangled and there was nothing left but a shell, she no longer felt anything. That single detail was what scared her the most._

_She fell to her knees and sobbed. What she had done was horrid it was desperate. She head left finally she didn't know why but it was like everything was too much to bear, there was no longer a place for her among her friends. She had just packed her things and left__….._

Hermione gasped and sat up in her bed drenched in sweat and tangled in her bed sheets. It had happened again, she had been having the same nightmares for weeks after the final battle and she couldn't stop them, each time they were just a little different, the only common factor it seemed was the one that she had somehow been written out of everyone else's futures.

Hermione got up and went into the bathroom, she was currently residing at Grimmauld Place and the war was over, she had changed physically like in the dreams, that was the thing that scared her most about them. She looked in the mirror and she had to admit the girl in the mirror was attractive but she was broken and scared inside and the out. She reached for the cold steel of the switchblade in her pocked and pulled it out. Switching it open she ran her finger over the sharp edge. She reached down and slowly pushed up the sleeve of her baggy long sleeved t-shirt and traced the numerous scarred that spider webbed themselves across her wrist and forearm.

She dutifully drew the blade across her skin and then repeated the action several times before turning her wrath on her other wrist and then finally dropping the weapon and leaning against the wall closing her eyes and letting the pain wash over her and clear her head of everything else. She sighed and then reached under the bathroom sink and grabbed a roll of gauze and some tape.

She carefully wrapped her armed with the bandages and the tapped the ends in place. She knew that she had to do it soon she had to leave soon she didn't want to have to say goodbye but she was getting weaker and they would start asking questions if she wasn't careful. She couldn't let them know that would just make it worse for both parties and she didn't think she could handle facing them after they knew the whole truth about her.

She couldn't take it any longer; she sat on her bed and tried to make another excuse for herself like she had the other nights. She had run out there was no more reasons to stay not even little ones, know that she thought about it there were even more reasons to go then there were before. It was time, she would have to do it now or she might not have enough courage to do it later.

When Hermione had packed her duffle bag and swung it over her shoulder and donned her jacket she turned and walked from her bedroom in Gimmauld Place that was the closest thing that she was ever able to consider even remotely permanent. Tears were falling down her cheeks as she walked down the hallway. She had to decide where she wanted to put the note for everyone and if she wanted to say anything to Harry.

She stopped at the end of the hallway and turned to the door in front of her, she was about to raise her hand to tap on the door but changed her mind and put it on the handle instead slowly and quietly tuning the handle and slipping into the dark room.

She tiptoed over to the side of the bed where the moonlight spilled through the windows and fell across Harry's sleeping form, she sat down and lightly brushed away the wisp or hair that fell across his forehead.

"Harry, I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you. I should have told you the truth from the beginning and I should have told you how I really feel. I was just afraid I guess that like everything else in my life until I met you that something would go wrong. I was so afraid that I told you lies about my life and then later I chose to hide my feelings from you because I was so afraid that the pain of being rejected would be even more great then the pain of not knowing the truth. Every time I looked around there was one more reason that you and Ginny sure be together and one more screaming that we should not. You were so happy with her and I couldn't take that from you no matter how much I wanted you. I just decide that being your friend and being near you was better than telling you and not having you at all."

The tears were falling freely down her face now and she didn't try to stop them. She knew that it was a lost cause.

"Harry, I love you, I love you so much. I'm just so sorry for you, so sorry for myself that I wasn't enough. It doesn't matter though, as long as you're happy I'm willing to be happy for you. I remember when you were in the tournament and I had to be put at the bottom of the lake. I was so sure that it would be for you. And then it was Viktor that I was chosen for. It was like someone had taken a knife and plunged it in my stomach and they just kept turning it over and over again the more I considered what the tournament meant. It was awful knowing that I meant more to Viktor Krum then to the person that I loved like no one else."

Hermione traced the outline of Harry's face with her fingertips, a tear slid down her face and hit the pillow beside his head and she had to bit back the urge to just sob into his chest and tell him everything.

"You have no idea how much I wish I was enough for you Harry. But I am willing to do everything in my power to make you happy. I couldn't ask you to love me back that would be so unfair you don't deserve to have the only future I can offer you. That I think is what made me lie to you about how I felt, because there are so many things that I could never do for you, in my mind it was never a doubt at how I had to make this end. I'm only sorry that I will never get the chance to know what you and Ginny and Ron and Luna and even Bill and Fleur will know. "

_FLASHBACK:_

_Hermione was sitting in shadow of one of the huge trees that surrounded the lake and starring hollowly at her surroundings. She had known that this moment would come eventually; she had hoped though that it wouldn't come so soon._

_She was in her fourth year at Hogwarts and she had received the papers from St.Mungo's that morning at breakfast. She knew that the others suspected something from her due to her abrupt and rushed exit from the great hall. She had to get outside; she had to just get away as fast as she could. _

_This only reinforced what she had decided in her head so long ago. I had been four years since they met and yet for the first time in so long she felt something. She had known ever since the end of her first year at Hogwarts that she loved him more than life itself. She couldn't though. She had spent hours trying convince herself that it was just a crush that it didn't mean anything and that she just couldn't be in love with him. Truth be told she couldn't fall in love with anyone, ever._

_She had promised herself the moment that she had discovered the truth about herself that she would never fall in love; she would never do that to anyone. She never expected for anyone to love her the way that she yearned for more than anything. She didn't have long left to wait now, much less than then they had told her before._

_Hermione head the soft footsteps behind her, approaching carefully .She didn't turn her head out of fear of him being the one that came after her. She knew when he sat down beside her that it was though. Harry rested a hand on her shoulder and leaned against the tree._

_"Do you want to talk about it?" His words were king and meaningful but they hurt her more than anything else because she knew that she couldn't give him the true answer._

_"Talk about what, there isn't anything to talk about unless you have something to tell me." Hermione whispered and as soon as the words had left her mouth she knew they weren't even remotely close to sounding genuine._

_"Hermione, I'm not stupid. I know when something's wrong with someone I care about. You never get this upset about anything, whatever it is it's important."_

_"You're my BEST FRIEND Harry; that is the way it's supposed to be and that will never change. You have to believe me when I tell you that this is something that you can't know, it's something that is my problem and mine alone." Hermione stood and turned away from him walking slowly back to the castle. She could only hope that he didn't see her tears._

_She knew that, that was the time when she could have told him the truth. But this was the way that it had to be. This was what she had to do to make sure that he was going to be happy, he couldn't know how she felt. It was for his own safety and happiness that he never __know__ the true Hermione Granger._

_: END FLASHBACK_

"Please Harry, make it good. Be happy, you deserve it more than anyone. The is no one that could have done everything that you've done and been through everything that you have and still be so completely amazing. I love you more than you will ever know. Goodbye Harry, I hope that for your sake we don't meet again for a very long time after you've lived a long and happy life. I will never stop loving you or missing you no matter how far away I am, I just hope you realize that the only reason I am leaving is to keep you safe. It is so much better if you never know what happens to me harry, please just know that I will always be thinking of you. I'll always be right here."

Hermione stood and leaned down lightly brushing her lips across his forehead and then lightly touching her fingers to his before standing and turning to leave the room. She set a letter carefully on the nightstand and slowly, forcefully pushed herself forward and toward the door to the hall once more.

She reached the door and put her fingers on the door handle turning to look one last time at the boy, now a man that lay sleeping bathed in the glow of the moonlight. He almost looked angelic; he looked so perfect like this. She wished more than anything that she could just stay here for hours staring at him just watching him to make sure that he was safe.

Hermione forced herself to look away and turned the knob the rest of the way pulling it and then tuning and backing out of the room closing the door with a soft clicking noise. She made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen where she placed a second envelope on the counter and looked around one last time at the old house. It may not have been much but it was the closest thing to home she had ever had except Hogwarts and maybe the burrow.

Hermione sighed and left the kitchen heading for the front door, she was ready now to say goodbye and she was actually glad that there was no one to actually physically say goodbye to. She didn't want them to have to see in her last couple months for fear of countering everything that they had always been and frankly she was sure that if they were there if they knew then it would be even worse for her to leave and it would her feel so much guiltier. It was easier like this. It was easier to just stop this messed up little dance before someone other than herself got hurt.

After about a minute of wavering confidence she convinced herself once again that it was for the best and with a final line running through her head she left the house with the words on her lips that she knew she should have said a long time ago.

"To everyone, I wish it didn't have to be this way, but I am so, so sorry that it is…"

* * *

Back in the house about five minutes after they were sure that Hermione was gone Sirius Black stepped out of the shadows and sighed. He was going to have to decide what to do when everyone else woke up and to fit the rest of the story together he was going to need some help from the one person that he was sure knew things about Hermione that he needed. He was absolutely sure that Severus Snape knew things from the multiple times that he had preformed the Legitimens spell on Hermione during the time in which she was his student.

Sirius was going to have to decide how much of the night's events he was prepared to show Harry in the pensive like he knew Harry would force him to do. Harry was not stupid he would try to go after Hermione no matter what her letters said. He just had to decide what really would be the safest thing to do for Harry. First of all though he needed to find out from Snape what exactly Hermione had lied about and what was making her leave. She thought that whatever this was would jeopardize Harry's happiness so much that she was willing to throw away all of her love for him to protect him and make him happy without her. He had to know what was so dreadfully wrong with Hermione Granger.

And if he understood correctly then he probably didn't have much time before what was going to happen to her did. It seemed she had stayed just as long as she could. He had to figure it out, and quick.


End file.
